EKG

Some people will do anything to get out of doing dishes.  This afternoon Momo sliced his finger on a broken piece of glass and spurted blood all over the kitchen.  I mean all over.  It looked like Charles Manson had done the dishes.  There was blood on the walls, the floor, the appliances, the curtains... you get the idea.  So I said goodbye as the Ninja Who Lives Here patched him together.

I went straight to a doctor's appointment.  With the pools of blood still in mind, they took my blood pressure and heart rate.  They were impressed.  They invited me back for an EKG.

Later, while I was getting my prescriptions filled, I took my blood pressure again.  It was far closer to normal.  I guess the sight of blood everywhere bothers me more than I could've known.

Getting Back to a Routine

After dad died my son and I traveled to Utah (where my mother's family is from) for a second memorial service.  Since then we have had a revolving door of company.  We love company, but frankly, it's been exhausting.

My brother Paul left this morning after he very kindly drove down from Utah to help me with my math homework that is part of the whole post death thing.  And now... the house only has the regular hoodlums living in it.  Which means that I can get back to doing my own thing, whatever that may be.  It feels kind of nice.

Am I Ahead or Behind?

First of all I would like to apologize to my two faithful readers for my recent absence.  I've been busy sulking about what I want to be when I grow up.

Things have been difficult.  I want to say, "since dad died," but that would be silly because of course they were difficult for a long time before that.  Somehow in my head, I thought that our bad luck would end when dad died.  That things would somehow get easier.  I suppose in the long run they will.  In the short run I think the best way to describe my situation is that I've been damned.  Not damned in the sense that I think that G-d hates me or anything, but damned in the way of being stopped.

In the last months every institution I have dealt with has seemed to foil my progress.  I don't suppose there was ever any mal-intent, I think most of it was people being inept.  The institutions run the gamut from Hospice to the funeral home to investment banks to regular banks.  Throw in other daily damnings like having the house robbed and having a designated driver lose the only set of keys to the car and I feel like I have been slogging up to my waist in mud.

Of course, I'm also still dealing with losing my father.  When my dad died, it was like I lost my mom again too.  They were such a pair, such a team, that as long as one of them was here, the team was represented.  They were the only people who truly knew what my life has been about.  It's a huge hit to be without either of them.  It's a huge hit to be missing both of them.

On the other hand, maybe this is about timing.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to accomplish things quickly right now because I'm running ahead of schedule.  Maybe the next thing that is supposed to happen isn't ready yet.  I think I'll go with that track of thinking and keep slogging along.

Dancing with Dad

My father has not yet been dead a month.  I have been trying really hard to forget what he looked like at the very end.  His face had become distorted by the cancer behind his jaw, he had become emaciated and there was an open wound behind his ear.  It was nightmare scary.

Since he died, I have had dreams about him, but they have been dreams in which he was still ill and I was still caring for him.

Last night I had a beautiful dream.  My father was there and he was swinging me around like he used to do when I was a little girl.  My skirt was billowing out and he was young and his arms were strong.  We were laughing and when he set me down we were dancing around together and everything was wonderful.  We were so happy and we laughed the whole time.  He told me that everything is all right now and that I will go on to have many more amazing adventures in my life.  This is how I will remember him.  I feel like this dream was a gift from him.

Leave a Note

Before I went out with my sister and a friend for the afternoon yesterday, I asked my son to please leave a note for me if he went out, so I wouldn't worry about where he was.  When we got home there was a note on the table that said:

"Dear Mom,

I went to Mexico.  I'll be back on Tuesday.

Love,
Momo"

At least he left a note.

Scars

One of the strange things that we Jews do is to rip our clothing when a close relative dies (parents, spouse or children).  It's actually very cathartic to be able to rip at your clothes when you are in deep grief.  When mom died, I was wearing a favorite sweater, that I then threw away.  When dad died, I was wearing a silly Captain America sweat shirt.  I like that shirt.  The guys in the sushi place salute me when I'm wearing that shirt.  I was going to throw it away after I ripped it.  But I think I've decided to sew it back together.  It will just have a scar.  It will be a visual reminder of my emotional scar.

Our newly remodeled synagogue also has a scar.  On the front wall where the neo-Nazi spray painted hate messages, there is a rather blotchy coat of new paint.  In certain light, you can still see the shadow of darkness underneath.  I like it.  The pristine synagogue felt a little uncomfortable to me.  Too clean.  Scar-less.  Like an old woman with a perfect face lift.  Something not quite right.

So if you see a woman wearing a scarred Captain America sweat shirt, you can go ahead and salute.

Hooray for Gay Marriage!

I adore gay marriage, and let me tell you why.  I know what being married means.  I know what it means when you introduce me to your husband or wife.  Ahh... an attempt at lifetime commitment. I get it.

What I don't understand is what your relationship to your "partner" is.  Is it an attempt at lifetime commitment?  Do you play pinochle together?  Own a deli perhaps?  Or does it mean that you've gone on a few dates?  Does it mean that you currently aren't seeing other people, but I should still keep an eye open if there is someone better for you?

By all means, let gay people get married.  It makes it far easier on the rest of us.