Several years ago when my dad broke his first hip, the doctors said that he had to go to a rehab unit in a nursing home. My dad has mild Alzheimer and a good case of grumpy old man syndrome. The month he spent in that nursing home, which was not a bad place as far as that goes, was absolute torture for him. This is a man who put his own grandmother in a nursing home and had always told us that when the time came, he wouldn't mind. Well, when the time came, he did mind. Very much in fact. He wouldn't eat the food they served, so I was running over constantly with home cooked food. He was so lonely that my son set up a DVR player so the two of them could sit all day watching epic movies together. He wanted to go home so badly and it broke our hearts not to have him at home. So we promised him that we'd never do that again.
This time when he broke his hip, some nice ladies came to see which facility we wanted him transferred to. We told them that we'd just take him home. Oh, they did not like that idea. They all told us what a horrible idea that was. Nonetheless, it's what we did.
Ironically, all of his doctors thought it was a great idea. They thought that it would be much better for dad to be in his own surroundings.
On the day we were to take him home from the hospital, Hamad commented to a nurse that maybe he should quick get married so we'd have help taking care of dad. The nurse was from the Philippines. She told him to marry a Philippina because in their culture they never send their old people away.
Well, we sure as hell do in our culture. My 22 year old son has put his life on hold until we get dad back up on his feet. It's slow. There are lots of other things he'd rather be doing, but he takes his promise to dad seriously. I get two responses to this. Occasionally, someone realizes that he gets it. He understands what truly matters in life. Overwhelmingly, I hear that it's unfair for me to expect him to spend time taking care of his grandfather because he should be able to go out and live his own life. This is his own life. This is his only grandparent left alive and when he's gone Hamad will "get on with his own life".
The problem is that when I explain what we are doing in life right now, I have to couch it very carefully because so many people do have their elders in nursing homes and they don't want to feel guilty. I realize that there are cases where there is no other choice. I have very dear friends who have had to resort to that. However, many people are in nursing homes today because it is "inconvenient" to have them at home. So I have to watch myself if I don't want people to tell me what an idiot I am. In our case, it is better for us to have dad at home. After he dies, Hamad and I will not have to live with the regret about what we should have done.
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